I’m Sex Positive - But I Don’t Want To Have Sex.

Low libido is a real thing that will affect almost everyone at some point in their life - so why are we still stigmatizing it?

“I never talk about it, really; keep it to myself pretty much always.”

My friend texted me this when I asked him about his sexual drive. 

We hooked up a year ago. At that time, I was so utterly ignorant. 

My friend (let’s call him Paul) and I spent many a night making out on my rough dorm carpet. However, every time I reached down, he was still soft. Sometimes we would get each other naked but when I asked him if he wanted to have sex, he said something along the lines of “I wish, but no, I’m sorry.”

I was offended. What was I doing wrong? Why was this guy so not into me? I mean, he clearly was into me but he also wasn’t???

Due to crucial medication, Paul had had low libido. And honestly, at first, I had trouble believing him. I even made the issue about myself and would anxiously ask, “Is it because you aren’t attracted to me?” Each time he would apologize and reassure me. Looking back, I am ashamed of how I acted and the awkwardness and guilt I must have induced. Paul and I eventually stopped hooking up.

A few months later, I added antidepressants to my daily routine and I started to notice something was really different. I no longer could get wet during sexy times even though I REALLY WANTED TO GET WET. I found myself no longer daydreaming about sex. My body just didn’t want anything even though I thought I did, or should. . I found myself turning down sex and then furiously apologizing. I felt guilty for “failing” in my roaring, horny 20s. 

Holy shit. This is how Paul felt. 

See! I was utterly ignorant.

So, I reached back out to Paul to talk about his sex drive and educate myself on the truths of having a low libido. 

“I guess the biggest difficulty when it comes to a lower sex drive is just being with somebody and having to awkwardly explain the situation with a partner,” texted Paul, “...it sounds like I’m making an excuse.” 

Paul isn’t alone. As many as 43% of women and 31% of men have experienced sexual dysfunction, commonly caused by low libido. 

Sex drive is on a spectrum, yet somehow we are taught that there is a “perfect” sexual drive. One that isn’t slutty and obsessive but somehow ready to have sex wherever, whenever. But “normal is such elastic word,” said sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD, to Greatist, “it depends on what your baseline libido is.” One person can want sex more than once a day while an asexual person might have zero libido.

What causes a low libido? 

Loss of libido can be due to many factors. Stress, anxiety, exhaustion and depression can all have a major impact on sex drive. For some, aging and menopause can lead to falling levels of sex hormones and age-related health problems and therefore, a lower sex drive. Loss of interest in sex is also common during pregnancy and while breastfeeding. 

Certain medications can also reduce libido, according to NHS.uk. These include:

• Medications for high blood pressure

• Antidepressant medications

• Medications for seizures, such as topiramate 

• Medications called antipsychotics, such as haloperidol 

• Medication for an enlarged prostate, such as finasteride 

• Medication for prostate cancer, such as cyproterone 

• Hormonal contraception, such as combined hormonal contraception (pill, patch or ring), the progestogen-only pill, the contraceptive implant and the contraceptive injection

The stigma behind lower libidos

When I want to feel confident, I usually pump up some sexy, feminist rap. The other day I was listening to Nicki Minaj’s and Ariana Grande’s “Side To Side,” (a song in which they belt about having sooooo much steamy sex that they are walking funny the next day) and I suddenly felt inadequate. I don’t even want to have sex, let alone have enough sex to make me waddle like a ducky. 

We are overcoming slut shaming and dropping into a new age in which the more sex a woman has, the more she is assumed to be “powerful”. Characters like Sex and the City’s Samantha (a pure sex machine) are praised for being modern and feminist as hell. 

So, as I started to feel my libido drop I felt as if I was becoming less independent and in control. I felt like I was oozing into the lame 1950s housewife stereotype: one that doesn’t want to be touched, even by her tired husband coming home from work. I started to drown in shame: “What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I want handcuffs and spit???”

I was prude-shaming myself. 

While abstinence-only sex education is still a major issue in the U.S., there are cases of people being ostracized for straying away from promiscuity. Yes, slut shaming is a dangerous issue but prude shaming is also right up there. The sex positive movement applauds people for having as much safe, consenual sex as they want. However, it is important to remember that the amount of wanted sex can be zero.

Prude shaming can compel those with a lower sex drive  to force themselves to have unwanted sex because they assume more sex is “normal.” 

The difficulties in partners having varying sex drives 

One myth behind a lower drive is that it’s an “excuse.” When one partner has more interest in sex than the other, “it’s easy for the person with the higher sex drive to feel rejected, bruised and undesirable and for the partner who avoids the sex to feel pressure, anxiety and guilt.” Paul explains this as a case of “Here we go again.” 

Paul tells me that eventually he has to bring up the awkward conversation that he doesn’t have the libido to have sex and often gets mixed, upset reactions, much like the reaction I gave him. 

Paul describes how he feels during these awkward conversations: “I don’t feel guilty because when it comes down to it there are other ways to get people off. It’s more of a case of being down on myself and it can turn into a self-degradation kind of thing.”

What we can do 

There are a number of steps that must be taken  to end the shame around lower libido. The first is to assure people that just as sexual preferences are in a spectrum, so is sexual libido. It is completely normal for libido to fluctuate throughout a lifetime due to age, new medications, life stressors and other random factors. 

In addition to self-assurance, partners must also treat the issue with respect. Sex therapist Holly Richmond gave CNN Health tips on how to ask your partner about their libido: “Instead of saying, 'I'm so frustrated that we never have sex anymore. What's going on with you?' try, 'I'm curious about why we have less sex than we used to. Is there something you need from me?' Open a window of opportunity for communication rather than shoving closed a door of criticism."

Intercourse also isn’t the only form of sexual expression. CNN Health explains that “for most of us, intercourse is often the main entree on the sex menu.” Oral sex, manual stimulation and direct clitoral stimulation are “relegated to being optional appetizers.” Outercourse may be a fun alternative to those who experience a lower libido and aren’t interested in going to all the bases.

Finally, there is nothing wrong with seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can offer  reassurance and action-based plans on living with a lower libido. Sex therapists can point out useful tools for cultivating sexual desire. Sexuality is a part of your health, and therefore, something you can absolutely see a doctor about. No one experiencing confusion about their sex drive should feel forced to stay in the dark.

Once I noticed that my sex drive was decreasing due to my antidepressants, I spoke to my doctor about it. She advised me to start taking the medication before bed. That way, around 6:00 PM, my medication from the last night was wearing off and I was horny just at sexy time. Talking to someone about my lower sex drive offered solutions and made me feel less alone. 

Thus we come back to Paul. I wish I could go back and change how I reacted when Paul first told me about his libido. I should have listened openly, without getting defensive, right from the get-go. 

I hope that as you move forward in your sexual endeavors (if you want to have any) that you don’t make the my mistake and that you accept the wide, beautiful spectrum of sexual libidos.